“I have an intense desire to return to the womb.Anybodys.”
Not much happened at Maywood High School. Kids called him “Red” because of his flaming red hair. One semester at NYU. Allen had to leave. Does it really matter why?

“I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”  
Now, you know why. Well, he looked funny, he talked funny and his mannerisms, body language and paranoia were either going to land him in a Jewish asylum or turn him into a film star. He landed in the asylum. They kicked him out. Could not handle his impressions of Freud stoned on Cocaine make eyes at Socrates. Having no other choices, he became a star.

“All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates. Which means all men are homosexual.”
Allen, 19-years-old, began writing jokes for newspapers, television, crack gangs in Queens, transvestites in The Village and The Tonight Show. On the advice of President Nixon and a drunk on 42^nd street, decided to become a stand up comic. He also seriously contemplated a life of crime, some side work. Pocket money to buy weapons of mass destruction, or weapons grade plutonium. All for peaceful purposes. To fund his creativity and make his own electricity, the U.S. governement said “go ahead” and then arrested him. Allen pleaded insanity. They set him free.

“I think crime pays, the hours are good, and you travel a lot.”
Could not really “do the rounds” of the different clubs from Las Vegas to The West Bank. Wanted to be accompanied by his mother. She refused. He Thought ‘The Gaza Strip’ was a, you know, strip club. Was afraid to leave crime filled New York City.
So he began dreaming in celluloid, stark naked celluloid. Sex began to haunt him. He was in lust. Wanted to see this girl in Florida. Mainlined Tequila. Overcame his phobia. Drove hundreds of miles, from New York to Orlando airport, fantasizing that he was an astronaut. Did not take a bathroom break on the way. Wore diapers, the special kind astronauts wear when they get spaced out. Allen bought them on the black market down in Hoboken. Met the girl in the parking lot at the airport, told her he was an astronaut and now could she please take off all her clothes. She refused. He broke down weeping, then pepper sprayed her. She called the cops. He was arrested for attempted murder. Unfulfilled sex was on his…..

“To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.”
Made another film. Somebody called him a genius. Encouraged, he made another film. They said he looked like an intellectual. He made another film. Want an Oscar? Allen said, maybe. That simple. He got three Oscars. Has made 38 films in 40 years. Loves New York City. But now shoots in London. Last three films shot there. Go figure.
 “I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.”
Divorced first wife Harlene Rose, divorced second wife Louis Lasser, made love to Diane Keaton for a long time, lived with Mia Farrow, married her adopted daughter Soon-Yi-Pervin. Continued to make movies. Three Oscars, hundreds of awards and myriad nominations. Never attended the Oscars, oh just once, in 2002. Has spent 30 years undergoing psychoanalysis. Presently trying to figure out the Dead Sea Scrolls and why Donald Trump is mad with Rosie ODonnell. Also said to be secretly advising the Generals in Iraq. The French government has paid him in Kosher Pork for taking up their cause. They want to improve the French image in America. Next stop, meeting with Kim Jong-il of North Korea and President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran. Ambassador Woody Allen, marching to a jazz version of ‘With God on Our Side’. Now he’s getting political.

“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.”
Woody Allen’s been shooting films in France and England. He was seen at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum whispering into the ear of Groucho Marx. Something about him being a failed artist and how American cinema is a sink hole of mindless entertainment where everyone was obsessed with money. Marx could not hear though. Had wax in his ears. Went to Paris, tried to play with Clarinetist Woody Herman. Herman wanted to know why Allen had stolen his name. Allen told him to shut up, told Herman that he was dead so what did it matter. Recommended that Herman see ‘Love and Death.’ Herman shoved Woody’s Clarinet down his throat. Finally, Allen left for Britain. Made a film called ‘Scoop’ after a mime artist screamed at him in Paris. Something about drowning him in a cauldron of Navarin d’agneau.